Refuge
by Kimura Hana
Summary: Kotetsu always barged in at the best and worst times... Set a little after the end of the series, with some spoilers. Can be seen as Kotetsu/Barnaby friendship or romance, whichever you prefer.


Barnaby had never been quite sure where he stood with his partner. At first, yes, they had been rivals and enemies and unable to speak for two seconds without arguing. Then he had begun to realize that Kotetsu wasn't really as bad as he had thought. He might have been old-fashioned and a little too klutzy for his own good, but he had the right idea and he understood _people_ in a way Barnaby never could. He was oblivious, perhaps, but he knew how to make them smile, and that came naturally to him, despite all his other bad qualities that tended to pile up.

_And now, what are we?_

It was something lighter and friendlier than what they used to be, but Barnaby never understood _why_, when Kotetsu had been the one to see all the worst sides of him, when he had been at his weakest, when he _had_ needed someone there but didn't know how to say that. Even when he had turned on him, he came running and was able to get through the tangle of false memories inside his head. Kotetsu always barged in at the best and worst times.

_I trust you._

Can it just be that simple? He hasn't really trusted anyone in twenty years, hasn't done much of _anything_ in twenty years other than search and search and try to get stronger. He had felt some relief, after the incident with Jake, but that hadn't lasted long enough for him to truly figure things out. Most of that time was spent trying to act like he was fine and didn't need to talk about any of it, that he had moved on and he _hadn't_ been crying and he _wasn't_ going to let revenge take over again. Maybe part of that was true, but it had just fallen apart when Maverick betrayed him. One of the few people he _had_, to some extent, trusted, had given him false memories and made him betray Kotetsu. Made _everyone_ betray Kotetsu, and somehow that was just as bad as the act of killing his parents. Kotetsu had nearly died too.

Kotetsu was one of those people who should never die.

It made Barnaby sick just thinking about it, feeling that horrible, horrible sensation of Kotetsu going limp in his arms, thinking it was all over and _what should he do now_ because Kotetsu had been giving him a reason to live this whole time. He didn't want to remember that, didn't want to be haunted by that still face, or Kaede's shouts, or the other heroes' grief. He knew it hadn't ended like that because he was _so relieved_ when he realized Kotetsu was _alive _and he was an _idiot_ and what was that stupid line about _hell?_ Honestly, Kotetsu would never learn.

Apparently stupid lines didn't matter in dreams though, because every night since then, he would wake up in a cold sweat, maybe even screaming, because _Kotetsu is dead and it's all my fault, my fault, my fault._ In his dreams, Kotetsu _doesn't_ wake up, and Kaede is screaming at him that her dad would still be alive if he'd just have figured out some other way to kill the thing, and everyone is looking at him with some horrible mixture of accusation and fear.

It's nights like these when he wishes he didn't live alone, wishes he still had parents or Samantha or _someone_ to tell him it's okay, even when it _isn't_ and he _knows_ but still needs those stupid, comforting words. He has no one to call for this sort of thing, wouldn't know how to say it even if he did, because the whole thing is so stupidly childish it makes him feel like a fool. He's an _adult_ now, and he shouldn't need anyone else to make him feel better. _I don't know how to do this anymore._

Barnaby curls in on himself, trying to lose himself somewhere between the designer sheets. It never works, and he never is able to fall asleep after those dreams, so he just lies there and wonders if anyone has started to notice the dark circles under his eyes and if he should keep to himself so they won't. It's trivial, but he doesn't want anyone else thinking he isn't okay. After all, the trouble is supposed to be over, and he's supposed to be fine.

His phone rings, scares him because it's a little too loud and a little too close, but he snatches it up and squints at the name under the sheets. His glasses are still lying somewhere to his left on the table, but he manages to make out the first part of Kotetsu's name before it stops and switches over to voice mail because he took too long to answer.

"Hey, Bunny, it's me! Um, so Kaede's been having some trouble with her power again, so I was going to go up to the house tomorrow—I mean, not today, like this morning, but actually tomorrow, as in two days from now if you think last night still counts as yesterday—"

_What is he even talking about? _Barnaby wonders, his tired brain too exhausted to follow his partner's rambling.

"—and anyway, why don't you come with me? I mean, unless you're doing something else, in which case I'll just go by myself, but I think Kaede would really like to meet you again and maybe talk for longer, since I think she's still your biggest fan…but don't make her too happy, or I might not be her favorite anymore! Okay, Bunny? So—"

Barnaby groans and presses the "talk" button. "What are you talking about so early in the morning, old man?"

"Oh, you're awake!" Kotetsu exclaims. "So, about Kaede—maybe you could bring her some sort of signed—"

"_Kotetsu-san._"

"Yes?"

"It is," Barnaby checks the clock just to be sure, "_two in the morning._"

Kotetsu's laughter filters through the phone's speaker. "Oh, yeah, guess it is!"

"_Why_ are you calling me at two in the morning for something that could have waited until a more reasonable time?"

"Ah…that is…I don't know."

"You don't? Then I think I'll just hang up."

"Wait, wait!" Kotetsu says quickly. "I actually wasn't just trying to annoy you this time! I mean…it just seemed like I should call you tonight."

"Why?"

"Who knows? Hey, why don't you come over? We can have fried rice and—"

"Good night." Barnaby hangs up decisively and stares at the screen for a moment. Why is he smiling? Just because Kotetsu was enough of an idiot to call his friends at whatever time he pleased…it didn't mean anything! If anything, it was really just a nuisance!

Barnaby sighs and closes the phone slowly, watching the light dim and fade. "You idiot…" He really did know when Barnaby needed someone, when he was sick or worried or scared or any of the numerous emotions that seemed to be constantly hitting him from out of nowhere. He was the only person Barnaby had ever known that could do that with such stunning accuracy, while also being completely oblivious to the effects of his own presence.

He laughs weakly, pushing his hair away from his forehead as quiet tremors took over his body. _This was the man I nearly killed._

Tears slip across his face even as he tries to hold them back because _I've done enough crying these past nights _and they won't stop.

_I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Kotetsu. I really don't deserve to know you at all._

His tears run their course in the next few minutes and then slow to a stop.

_So pitiful, just lying here like this and hoping—_

"Hey, Bunny, I let myself in, hope you don't mind!"

Barnaby bolts upright, sheets and blankets falling haphazardly to the side. "Ko—" _What is he doing here? _"Kotetsu-san?"

"Hey, hey! Didn't I tell you that you can drop the '-san' part?" Kotetsu frowns half-heartedly, then grins and holds up a bottle of mayonnaise. "I brought food!"

"…Why?"

"What do you mean _why?_ Mayonnaise is the perfect gift to bring someone! It goes with everything! Like—" He suddenly leaned closer, squinting in the dark room. "Wait, are you crying?"

"No!" Barnaby quickly wipes his eyes and refuses to meet Kotetsu's worried stare.

"Bunny…"

"I'm not crying!" he insists, knowing it's useless and it's obvious and Kotetsu is going to think he's being childish.

"Oh, okay." Kotetsu is humoring him, and they both know it. The older man holds out his hand. "Come on, let's go to the kitchen and get something to eat."

"It's too early for that sort of thing," Barnaby protests, nonetheless letting Kotetsu tug him out of bed. "You shouldn't even be awake at this hour."

"But you're awake too, Bunny, so why don't we have some of the fried rice you were telling me about?"

That's all it takes, really. A few words that make him remember and want to forget and push this man away and hold him close so he won't disappear again. He really _is_ crying now, more than before, and he doesn't know how to hide it because Kotetsu's _right in front of him _and _it hurts so much_ that he can't stop. The only relief he gets is when he feels Kotetsu wrap his arms around him and hold on tightly, his face buried in Kotetsu's vest and his arms slowly coming up to hold on tentatively as the tears flood out. _I'll have to buy him a new shirt_ is the only tangled thought that he can process, and he doesn't care, not anymore, because thinking is too difficult and Kotetsu is too warm.

Kotetsu is, as always, terrible at reading a situation, but he knows to keep quiet and say useless, tiny statements to make him feel better and calm him down. He knows not to let go, and he knows that right now Barnaby doesn't need the jokes or playful taunts that usually litter their conversations, so he simply whispers to him and gently moves his hand in circles on the other man's back until he's stopped shaking so much and the muffled sobs become less frequent.

A hand ruffles Barnaby's already messy hair and he hears a quiet "Are you alright?"

_Hardly. But thank you._ He tightens his hold on Kotetsu and tries to convince himself that he needs to move, that he can't stay like this forever, but he can't.

"Hey, answer me." He can hear the anxiousness reflected in the older man's voice now.

Barnaby shifts a little in his arms. "Sorry…" he murmurs.

He can feel Kotetsu relax as the warm hand strokes his hair steadily. "You haven't been sleeping well, have you?"

"M-Maybe not," Barnaby admits.

"And you haven't been yourself, either. You were barely speaking to me; I was afraid you'd started hating me!"

He doesn't miss the uncertainty there, even if Kotetsu tries to cover it up. "Sorry."

He sighs. "Don't apologize…" He stops stroking Barnaby's hair for a moment.

Barnaby misses the contact almost immediately. "I-I don't know what's wrong with me!" he blurted out. "This whole time…I know you're alive, I really do, but…but…it's my fault if…I mean…why isn't anyone blaming me?"

"Don't be silly, no one's going to blame you for anything! I mean, I'm fine, and everything ended up okay in the—"

Barnaby kicks him in the leg rather violently, making Kotetsu lose his balance. They both drop ungracefully onto the bed.

"Ow, ow, ow! What was that for?" Kotetsu demands.

"You're an idiot…" His hands clench tighter around the warm fabric. "I know all that already! I just…I…I can't…lose…" _I can't lose you. I can't even think about losing you, because it scares me so much. I don't deserve any of what you're giving me, but…I can't let go either. Is that selfish?_

"Okay." Kotetsu's arms envelop him again. "Okay."

After a few moments of silence, Barnaby feels Kotetsu pulling away and for an instant is afraid that _he's had enough of someone like me._ Almost immediately, though, Kotetsu is lifting his chin and smiling in that ridiculously sappy way like when he's talking about his daughter.

"You don't look so good, Bunny."

What? Was there some unwritten rule that Kotetsu _had_ to embarrass him every two minutes?

"Ah, before you kick me!" he rushes on. "I just meant I don't usually see you like this."

"Of course not," Barnaby stammers, face red hot.

"But you're really cute when you're being clingy. It reminds me of Kaede when she was little!"

_And now I am being compared to your kid daughter. Thank you, my self esteem loves this._

"Hey, Barnaby?" He actually sounds serious now, and he notes the use of his full name.

"What?"

"Do you want me to stay tonight?"

"…No." He really does want him to stay and stay and stay, but that isn't right, it's not fair to Kotetsu, who's already doing so much for him.

Kotetsu frowns and adds, "You aren't getting enough sleep."

"Oh, I hadn't noticed," Barnaby replies sarcastically.

"Don't be like that," Kotetsu chides him lightly. "It's not cute. Come on, even if you don't want to sleep, we can still do something together."

"Like what?"

"Make fried rice!"

"How did we get back to that topic?" Barnaby sighs. "Fine, do what you want." He lets Kotetsu drag him unceremoniously to the kitchen, push him through the process, and they finally end up with a decent serving of rice, which they share.

"Ahh, it's good!" Kotetsu exclaims, waving his chopsticks around dangerously.

"It's nothing particularly amazing," Barnaby mutters under his breath. "You're just easy to please."

"No way! I'm really glad I got to try it! See, Bunny, I couldn't possibly have died before getting to taste your cooking!"

Barnaby's whole frame stiffens. "Don't joke about that…"

Kotetsu blinks and realizes his mistake, reaching across the table to squeeze Barnaby's hand. "Sorry, kid."

"I…I can't…I-I need you," he stammers, which is more than he meant to say but less than he wants to say. He _wants_ Kotetsu to understand what he's feeling, this fear and anxiety, not being able to sleep because his nightmares are too real, not knowing how to become any closer to someone without being afraid they'll disappear like everyone else.

Still, Kotetsu understands all this, even if he doesn't say it aloud, he realizes, because it's enough to get him to circle around the table and hug him tightly and say "I'm not leaving" in such a comforting voice. "I won't leave you."

And this is all he really needs, these arms and this voice, and _Kotetsu_, so warm and welcoming and idiotic and oblivious and _there._ Kotetsu _knows _him, doesn't mind this selfish part of him, won't let go until Barnaby wants him to, won't leave him in the loneliness he knew for twenty years.

"I'm sorry, Barnaby."

What is there to apologize for? Kotetsu isn't, _hasn't_, done anything wrong. Kotetsu is just…Kotetsu, and he makes Barnaby feel human and loved and cared for, despite all the moments when Barnaby wants to strangle him.

He won't protest when Kotetsu brings him back to his bed and forces him onto it, pulls the blankets up to his chin, and then crawls in alongside him. He won't mind the fact that he's taking up space, because the warmth of another person and something to hold onto is too appealing and…well, maybe he _is_ tired, after all. So he cuddles up close to Kotetsu, who pulls the blankets around both of them, and drifts off into quiet, warm dreams that match the rhythm of the other's breathing, steady, unchanging, alive.


End file.
